Count to Ten

It has been a few days since I put all my thoughts in here. Maybe that's why it has been so crappy the last little while. Today was kind of my breaking point. I don't cry too often anymore out of my own personally sadness. I cry ALL THE TIME when I hear/watch a inspiration story or watch a love story too great to replicate, but tears because I am sad or mad hasn't happened in a REALLY LONG TIME. 

But today, it happened.

I spent the morning in class (Social Work classes, which means I am therapy every Tuesday & Thursday mornings for 3 hours) and came to a realization of a few problems I have. TRUST being one of them. Why? I don't know. I guess that is where I will have to dig deep. 
Then I went to work and a very kind hearted co-worker (saying nice things in hopes it changes my attitude), who happens to have very extreme views, decided to hop into a discussion with me for 2 hours on corporal punishment that agitated me beyond belief. I kept my cool until I got to the car to head home and then started hysterically bawling. For the 10 minute car ride I started naming all the things I am grateful for. 

1. Socks (I wasn't wearing any at the time & desperately love them)

2. My car, because their are so many people who don't one

3. A warm home to go home to, because some don't have that privilege

4. Loving parents who are my anchors & give free therapy sessions when needed 

5. My phone that gives me the ability to text/contact those at a moments notice for relief from a intense situation

6. The opportunity to go to school & pursue something I am truly passionate about

7. Bubble baths with floating candles. 

8. Sisters who always lighten the mood & let you cry it all out

9. A job, because their are many that don't have one

10. My sense of humor, because it makes life bearable

By the time I got home I was laughing. Yes, by myself. Then I walked into the house to two kick ass parents who gave me a free 30 minute therapy session before I was out the door again. 

While it was a long day and I don't want to have a day like this in a long while, I know that there are many out in the world that have more strenuous, life-altering circumstances that are incomparable to mine. 

Counting my blessings today because I obviously needed to be reminded.  

Coming out of the closet

I've been hesitant in sharing my blog with the people that know and love me, because I'm scared. I put my heart and soul in here at the end of the day, week, month, whatever it may be. I find myself fearing judgment, acceptance, love in sharing these thoughts that I call my very own.

Oh wait... that fear is exactly what got me in a gigantic mess last time. Fearing those things, drove me to jump into a marriage that I was not ready for, hurting friends and family and diminishing those relationships that I hold so close to my heart, and most importantly doing damage to myself. Damage that has been dealt with the by great help of a 24/7 therapist, my mom. She is a rockstar. (As well as help from Marnae & David, both individual & marriage counselors who both kick ass.) 

I invited my sisters to read my blog and tell me what they think. I came out of the closet. I am grateful they put up with my old self for 20 years. I was not the most gracious sibling growing up. I was prideful, judgmental, and self-absorbed. While I'm nowhere near perfect these days. Progression is always in my heart.

 I blame my judgmental and prideful self on trying to fit a mold that I was not naturally made to fit. Imagine me trying to fit the WRONG final puzzle piece into the puzzle FOR 20 YEARS. You can imagine the frustration my spirit was feeling. It brought lots of harsh & toxic relationships/circumstances in my life and I projected that on other people, especially my siblings. 

Find what you fear & fight back like hell. 

Oh & Carrie Butler is the best photographer out there. 

Letter from Birmingham Jail

Martin Luther King, Jr Day :)

One of my favorites. 

Let's stroll down memory lane. When I was in the 2nd grade, there was a school wide competition between all grades during the week of this holiday. You had to write your own version of the "I Have A Dream.." speech. I sat down with Maegan & she helped my write my very own version. Needless to say.. I won!  I got to read my speech in front of the entire school. 

Fast forward to now. Last semester I had to read MLK's "Letter from Birmingham Jail." 

If you haven't read it, stop what you are doing & read it NOW. 

If you care anything about your country, equal rights, or are simply a spiritual person then it will do you GOOD. After I read it, my heart was full, broken, empowered, and shattered all in one moment. I couldn't help but feel what MLK was feeling in that moment. What he and so many others went through to fight for what is good & true & right.

MLK was a very spiritual man. He was very strong in his beliefs and church. Throughout the letter he makes many biblical references. There is one in particular that still sticks out to me...

He is explaining that he is sitting in jail for being an extremist. At first, he is very offended by this term because generally being an extremist is termed as something negative. He talks about Jesus Christ crucifixion when he died on Calvary Hill with 2 other men.  They all died being EXTREMISTS. Two men died for immortality, but Jesus died because he was an extremist for LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, GOODNESS, & TRUTH. People were threatened by that and ultimately took his life because of it.

I don't know about you, but this man is one of the greatest men to have lived in my book. There is still so much progress to be made & we have so many examples that have marked the way before us. 

"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor, it must be demanded by the oppressed."

In all your forms

Teach your daughter well
By Doe Zantamata

Teach her to lover herself just as she is; not only as she once was, might, or never will be.

Teach her to see her own beauty, and not compare herself to any standard of society.

Teach her that love is a wonderful thing, but she she is complete on her own, and needs no one to complete her.

Teach her to trust, both others and herself.

Teach her about self-worth, that she ought to think of, and and treat herself well, and not allow others to do any less.

Children learn more from example than by words alone. To teach her well, you must believe and follow these lessons in your own life too.

Stole this quote from another blog I follow. Self image is a constant thought in my head. My own self image has been the death of me in the past & I'm determined to never go back there & never let anyone I know get to that point. 

Learn to love the parts of you that you tend to hide. 
Learn to love your differences. 
Learn to love you, for you. 
Learn to love what God created just for YOU & never take it for granted. 

Love yourself in all your forms. Everyday.

Bully Blocker

Heard this term in primary today during sharing time. Sister Griffin asked what we can do to show Heavenly Father that we love him & one of the girls said by being a bully blocker. 

It has been an emotional week for me. Not in a bad way, but the tears have been flowing easily. At work on Friday, I overheard a member telling a co-worker that her 13 year old brother had committed suicide with a gun the previous week. While saying this she began to cry. At this point I'm hiding my face because the tears are beginning to flow in my own eyes. She tells her it was due to bullying. He left a note of all the people that bullied him. I lost it. My heart was broken for this lady and her family. The future social worker in me wanted to jump from my chair and comfort her. 

A couple things came to mind... This could be a very real learning opportunity this 13 year old peers at school & in all reality people everywhere. 

We never know what kind of battle someone is going through so be kind to everyone.  

We hurt people we love or maybe don't even know at all, but LEARN from it. Don't let feeding pride or ego, be at the cost of someone's life.

We judge when we have no idea what internal battle a person may be facing so save the dirty look, or the harsh (but maybe crude humorous)remarks.

This world needs compassion if anything. It needs people who are willing to fight for the good. Look for the good in everyone. I don't claim to like everyone I have ever come in contact with. But there is something good in everyone despite all of our differences.

 Be the bully blocker.

Dream long after I'm gone..

I'm kind of struggling lately. No apparent reason. School started this week. I'm at 15 credit hours. All Social Work classes (which are emotionally draining) and Statistics (which is basically like learning chinese to me) while working 36 hrs & volunteering 6 hours a week at the Dream Academy or Real Life. 

Despite my busy schedule.. I love life when I don't get caught up in my own negativity. WE SHOULD NOT GLORIFY BEING BUSY. I love what I am doing and the direction I am headed. My passion for life has skyrocketed since my divorce & new chance at life. 

When you find yourself, you suddenly have all the energy needed to stay happy and make all your dreams a reality. 

I'm going to keep dreaming long after I'm already gone. 

I mean those things. They make me alive and present, here in the moment. I know it is annoying how much I talk about my divorce, but when I say it was as if I died and I got a second chance to life/start over, I'M NOT LYING.

Here is what I have been doing the last little while that I have been MIA. 

Traditional Grandma Pauline's 12/19 Birthday

Temple Square with the Fam 

New Year's

Justin Bieber Concert.

Friend Christmas Party 

While this is only stuff I have done in the last month, 2012 was such a great year for me & I'd overwhelm myself with too many pictures. 

I can't wait to see what 2013 brings. 

Concept of "Love Them Anyways"

I have to make a brief post about this..

Love Them Anyways.. 

For some reason, I find this coming out of my mouth lots. Just naturally in every day conversation.

It is a lot more than just a phrase.

It is my life motto. 

This world would needs compassionate people. 

People to stand up for the oppressed groups of society. 

People are selfless, caring, and giving. 

I don't claim to be any of these things, but I will say I have a pretty good idea of where I am going to start.. with myself. 

Whenever, I am frustrated, angry, bitter, resentful... I say to myself, "love them anyways." 

I don't know what personal battle anyone is going through, but I do know that I can be there for them no matter what & love them anyways, because in all reality...

Can there ever be too much love??