Leave of Absence

Well... I'm horrible.

I know it's been almost 6 months since I have jotted down my thoughts. Ironically, that is the around the time I started dating Rob, my ridiculously awesome partner in crime. 

I went to Europe, went to Kenya, and had the most amazing experiences come from it (I'll do a separate post on that). After I got home from Kenya, Youthlinc called and eventually I got a job as their office manager. In case you were wondering, I love it! Really, this organization makes my heart skip a beat. I love being a part of it.

Come end of July, I found a town home with Bri and Emily.

... and that's when life started to overwhelm me. 

Here I had these two new roommates, a new boyfriend, school up at the University of Utah, and a new job... I didn't adjust easy to say the least.

There were lots of tears and therapy sessions with my mom, Rob, Peagan, and Bri throughout this process. With every change that comes in life, I figured I might as well change my attitude and accept it, because these people weren't all going to listen to me bitch for the next year. I was lucky enough to get them to listen to me for the time they did. (However, they all are there for the occasional vent session, some more than others.)

There were a few things I had to change and accept. And now, I'm kind of insanely grateful for them.

1. Bri

Not only did I move out with my best friend, but we also happened to be dating best friends, who are roommates as well. Everyone's first thought is that this is the most magical situation you could wish on two best friends, but in all actuality I was having the hardest time with it. 

First, I wasn't used to Bri having a boyfriend so I felt like I was losing my best friend. I started to have a pity party... and often. It really put our friendship to the test. We tried certain things and adjusted, but it hasn't come without a struggle. 

At the end of the day, I'm just happy she is happy. That is the most important thing. 

She's a pretty killer person. She gets me. I get her. She is that one person that I never have to worry about judging me or changing me. Not only is she this way with me, but everyone. I feel pretty blessed to have her as a best friend. 

2. Emily 

Oh, the struggles.

Emily and I always seem to gravitate towards talking about religion. See, Emily uses your typical 'black and white' logic for everything & I'm over hear using nothing but grey. You can see the struggle.

In all honesty, I think we were supposed to move in together. I'm always so preachy about not changing people and letting them be themselves, and I was doing the exact opposite with her. I tried endlessly to make her a little more grey, but I soon realized it would be a tireless fight if I kept it up.

After I realized she was never going to change and neither was I, our friendship seemed to take on a new level. We didn't need to be the same in order to enjoy each others' company.

She's actually a crude humored, wild child & I happened to be both of those same things. It goes to show, that if you just love people as they truly are, nothing but good things come from it. I'm sad I wasted so much time trying to change her, but feel pretty lucky to have the friendship that I have with her now.

Better late than never.


3. Rob

While Rob was so easy to accept because everything with him is so effortless, I had to embrace and attack my inner fears about dating, especially with getting serious within a relationship. Rob and I have been dating almost 6 months now. Simply put, he rock's. It is actually bizarre with how perfect he is. 

He lets me, be me. And most importantly, that was who he fell in love with. 

I guess it has always been a sort of defensive mechanism for me, but I have always been who everyone else wants me to be. I, so badly, like to make people proud and strive for acceptance. I actually have given up pretty great parts of myself in order to compensate in the past. 

With Rob, I didn't have to do this. I could be my weird, coupon loving, slightly earthy, spiritual, feminist self. And despite the fact that he isn't most of those things, it just worked.

In case you can't tell, I'm insanely crazy about him. Like, a ridiculous amount. 

Look for the Helpers

"'Our world is awful."'
"No. Our world is great. For every one person that plants a bomb, you have hundreds more running a marathon. For everyone person that makes a joke about the dead and dying, you have thousands more donating blood, offering prayers, and volunteering their time. Events like these are the fault of single individuals who make violent, loud statements. We just have to make sure that statements of the good are louder."

While we can sit and talk about all the horrible things that go on around the world, in our country or in our own community, we can also talk about all the good there is to do. 

There is more of a need now to do good than ever before. 

So while everyone is sitting there saying what a horrible world they live, I want to say... "What world do you live in? Because mine is awesome. "

I have more opportunities than ever before to make a difference 

and to help lighten someone's burden in some many ways. 

It is incredibly sad that so many people lost their loved ones in today's tragedy at 

the Boston Marathon. 

My heart goes out to them.

 I could not imagine losing any of my loved ones.

So many people around the world were shaken by this act of terrorism. 

However, did you seen the love, the help, the compassion from people all over the world?

I know I felt it.

There is nothing more liberating than seeing people come together for love. 

I hope I can have this perspective throughout the many tragedies that will continue to happen in my life and my world. 

I hope to always remember the lives that were lost.

But I also hope to remember the many people that came together to provide aid, love, support, a shoulder to lean on to those who were directly impacted. 

Days like these are when we should remember how fragile life is, how short life is.

You should never be to busy to do good & to make a difference in the world. 

LOVE

So overwhelmed today with emotion. It just happens to be one of those days. On my way to school at 8am I pulled up FaceBook and it was "painted" red for the marriage equality legislation that is currently being proposed.

Yep... tears began to flow has I saw this. I love seeing people joining together to support a cause in a way that promotes LOVE, not hate. 

Then, (take in mind I'm already in tears) my mom texts me saying that my brother's girlfriend, Cortney, donated $500 each to both Erin and I for our Kenya trip! Talk about a generous person who has NEVER met us in person??  One word: SAINT. She is more than I could ever wish for my brother. 

I am overwhelmed by the love I have felt today. Love for a good cause, good people, and good goals. 

God is good. So good to me & places the best people in my life for a reason. 

I love LOVE. 

Hate cannot outdo hate, only love can do that. 

Be there..

If there is anything that I am sure the majority of the people that know me well would say about me, would be...

Heather is the worst tester/phone call answerer alive.

No lie. I just am.

Sometimes I get anxiety when having to respond to someone. Weird? I know. 

It is one more thing on my list that I have to remember to do. Ya know? 

But frankly, I have never been good at texting. I don't really see the point in it. 

What's sad though? I am always on my phone. Embarrassingly enough, I have gotten a few comments about it from strangers.

Always on Pinterest, or Instagram, Vine, Wanelo, YouTube..

And they always ask, "Who are you always talking to?" No one. No one at all.

What about the people I am with? 

In that moment? 

Life is too short. 

People are too great. 

& Moments are too few. 

So my goal the next 30 days is this...

When I am spending time with others, BE THERE. 

No more of this iPhone crap. 

No more, "Hold on. Let me text this person back," in the middle of a conversation.

I want people to remember me for being there, all of me, and not wishing I was elsewhere. 

Count to Ten

It has been a few days since I put all my thoughts in here. Maybe that's why it has been so crappy the last little while. Today was kind of my breaking point. I don't cry too often anymore out of my own personally sadness. I cry ALL THE TIME when I hear/watch a inspiration story or watch a love story too great to replicate, but tears because I am sad or mad hasn't happened in a REALLY LONG TIME. 

But today, it happened.

I spent the morning in class (Social Work classes, which means I am therapy every Tuesday & Thursday mornings for 3 hours) and came to a realization of a few problems I have. TRUST being one of them. Why? I don't know. I guess that is where I will have to dig deep. 
Then I went to work and a very kind hearted co-worker (saying nice things in hopes it changes my attitude), who happens to have very extreme views, decided to hop into a discussion with me for 2 hours on corporal punishment that agitated me beyond belief. I kept my cool until I got to the car to head home and then started hysterically bawling. For the 10 minute car ride I started naming all the things I am grateful for. 

1. Socks (I wasn't wearing any at the time & desperately love them)

2. My car, because their are so many people who don't one

3. A warm home to go home to, because some don't have that privilege

4. Loving parents who are my anchors & give free therapy sessions when needed 

5. My phone that gives me the ability to text/contact those at a moments notice for relief from a intense situation

6. The opportunity to go to school & pursue something I am truly passionate about

7. Bubble baths with floating candles. 

8. Sisters who always lighten the mood & let you cry it all out

9. A job, because their are many that don't have one

10. My sense of humor, because it makes life bearable

By the time I got home I was laughing. Yes, by myself. Then I walked into the house to two kick ass parents who gave me a free 30 minute therapy session before I was out the door again. 

While it was a long day and I don't want to have a day like this in a long while, I know that there are many out in the world that have more strenuous, life-altering circumstances that are incomparable to mine. 

Counting my blessings today because I obviously needed to be reminded.  

Coming out of the closet

I've been hesitant in sharing my blog with the people that know and love me, because I'm scared. I put my heart and soul in here at the end of the day, week, month, whatever it may be. I find myself fearing judgment, acceptance, love in sharing these thoughts that I call my very own.

Oh wait... that fear is exactly what got me in a gigantic mess last time. Fearing those things, drove me to jump into a marriage that I was not ready for, hurting friends and family and diminishing those relationships that I hold so close to my heart, and most importantly doing damage to myself. Damage that has been dealt with the by great help of a 24/7 therapist, my mom. She is a rockstar. (As well as help from Marnae & David, both individual & marriage counselors who both kick ass.) 

I invited my sisters to read my blog and tell me what they think. I came out of the closet. I am grateful they put up with my old self for 20 years. I was not the most gracious sibling growing up. I was prideful, judgmental, and self-absorbed. While I'm nowhere near perfect these days. Progression is always in my heart.

 I blame my judgmental and prideful self on trying to fit a mold that I was not naturally made to fit. Imagine me trying to fit the WRONG final puzzle piece into the puzzle FOR 20 YEARS. You can imagine the frustration my spirit was feeling. It brought lots of harsh & toxic relationships/circumstances in my life and I projected that on other people, especially my siblings. 

Find what you fear & fight back like hell. 

Oh & Carrie Butler is the best photographer out there. 

Letter from Birmingham Jail

Martin Luther King, Jr Day :)

One of my favorites. 

Let's stroll down memory lane. When I was in the 2nd grade, there was a school wide competition between all grades during the week of this holiday. You had to write your own version of the "I Have A Dream.." speech. I sat down with Maegan & she helped my write my very own version. Needless to say.. I won!  I got to read my speech in front of the entire school. 

Fast forward to now. Last semester I had to read MLK's "Letter from Birmingham Jail." 

If you haven't read it, stop what you are doing & read it NOW. 

If you care anything about your country, equal rights, or are simply a spiritual person then it will do you GOOD. After I read it, my heart was full, broken, empowered, and shattered all in one moment. I couldn't help but feel what MLK was feeling in that moment. What he and so many others went through to fight for what is good & true & right.

MLK was a very spiritual man. He was very strong in his beliefs and church. Throughout the letter he makes many biblical references. There is one in particular that still sticks out to me...

He is explaining that he is sitting in jail for being an extremist. At first, he is very offended by this term because generally being an extremist is termed as something negative. He talks about Jesus Christ crucifixion when he died on Calvary Hill with 2 other men.  They all died being EXTREMISTS. Two men died for immortality, but Jesus died because he was an extremist for LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, GOODNESS, & TRUTH. People were threatened by that and ultimately took his life because of it.

I don't know about you, but this man is one of the greatest men to have lived in my book. There is still so much progress to be made & we have so many examples that have marked the way before us. 

"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor, it must be demanded by the oppressed."